Invitation to Scrutiny

Last Friday I was confronted with a peculiar situation. Peculiar in the sense that it is not something that I am often exposed to. To bring you into context I had purchased tickets to an electronic music event. I had coordinated the purchases between a friend from university and a group of friends I have been hanging out with for a few months now. By coordination I mean, I had independent conversations with both parties that confirmed they would purchase tickets to the event. So far so good.

What became radically more complicated was showing up to two different places at the same time the night of the event. Note that I had not made any promises to either party. I showed up at the group telling my other friend we would be physically present at the venue at about 9PM. My personal reason for showing up at the group came from the fact that my father lived closed to the place and that my friend would have a bit of commuting to do if he were to join us. Considering that he lived close to the venue it made sense to meet up there instead. When I arrived to meet the group; it was absolutely not prepared to leave at a reasonable time that would correspond to us showing up to meet my friend at 9PM. I was in a bit of a bind, but in the heat of the situation, it is not easy to make rational choices. I avoided initial conflict by calling my friend up to tell him that we would be there soon. I won’t go into the details on the habit of making false promises, but I was aware enough to know that I was slipping into old conditioned habits I had used in my childhood to please my parents, and eventually the entire world. In the end, I had made my friend wait in the cold winter night for about 45 minutes. I was not pleased with the situation, but I could only accept it at that point. When I finally met him at the venue, I went over my tardiness numerous times. I knew he was frustrated. So was I. I hate waiting for people. Oh how many times have I waited for people in the past…

I ended up buying him drinks to appease his frustrations. It came from a place of goodwill, but I also know that buying people off is a cheap tactic. Which is to say, I felt like I was obliged to redeem myself through the purchase of drinks. This behavior is as old as time itself. There is definitely a subtle display of power when you are brandishing cash.

Objectively speaking; buying goods to appease someones anger is a cheap way out and demonstrates a lack of either diplomatic or human skills. Yet I really didn’t know what else I could have done. Among other actions, I apologized a dozen times and talked about similar experiences that had happened to me. The latter isn’t ideal, but at least it was real. The reason why talking about similar experiences is not ideal is explained in the following way: Talking about YOUR experience is not that interesting. It puts you in a position where you try to display how big of a victim you are. This is then either mirrored by the receiver or it directs the conversation to more negativity. That’s why we must refrain from trying to give people our victim story. Especially if we deal with topics like the death of a loved one or suicide.

At this point you might be thinking I am making a big deal out of this. Not quite. I am dissecting the experience because I believe in “leaving no stones unturned”. It is by confronting every small situation that we can ready ourselves to bigger affairs. We simply can’t count on luck when shit hits the fan. Accountability is a value that I have been taking to heart lately. It does not involve culpability. That is why I am not expressing an ounce of culpability either. Past events are set in stone, we can only learn from them and move on.

In the future I will take that extra minute to really think of the repercussions of my actions. I did not think things through last night and that’s how I fell into engagements that were impossible to satisfy. I believe in the masculine king energy that lies within me, the road is paved with obstacles, but it is satisfying to know I am growing everyday. Looking back at this article I realize how well-equipped I am today to face psychological adversity. I am not a victim and I convert every wrong turn into a right turn. As I write these final words, I have a smirk coming from a sentiment of self-mastery!

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